The Xmen Present: Rumpelstiltskin
by Chellerbelle
Summary: The story of Rumpelstiltskin, X-men style. Includes cast and narrator commentary. Just for laughs.


**AN: **

_Rumpelstiltskin_ was requested by:

Acherlyn  
XOXheartAmy  
My Beautiful Ending  
themadhatter17

* * *

Once upon a time there was a farmer named Logan who used to tell outrageous stories to his friends at the local tavern.

Now it happened one day that a royal envoy was at the tavern the day that Logan declared that his daughter, Anna, could spin gold from straw. Unfortunately, unlike Logan's friends, the royal envoy believed him and immediately told his liege, the King Jean-Luc.

* * *

"Back in Thievenheim are we?" asked Gambit.

**Sure, why not?**

* * *

Now King Jean-Luc was a greedy man and as soon as he heard the story he went to the little town himself and found Logan and Anna. Perhaps foolishly, Logan insisted the story was true and Anna was immediately apprehended. She was put in a cell with a spinning wheel and a huge pile of straw and told that it must all be turned to gold by morning.

As soon as she was left alone, Anna started to cry, knowing that when there was only straw and no gold in the cell in the morning, she and her father would be executed.

* * *

"No executing my Roguey," Gambit said with a glare at Jean-Luc.

"But it's okay to execute Logan?" Jean-Luc asked.

"He's got a healing factor. He'll live. He might be extremely angry afterwards, but that's not really new."

Logan growled.

"See?"

* * *

"Why are you crying, girl?" asked a voice from the shadows of the room.

"Because my father said that I could spin gold from straw," Anna explained. "But I can't, and if I haven't turned this straw into gold by morning, King Jean-Luc will have me executed."

"Hmm, yes," considered the little man who came into view. "That is quite a quandary."

* * *

"Wait, who's playing Rumpelstiltskin?" asked Kitty.

**If I told you, then you'd know his name.**

* * *

"But I think I can help you," the little man said. "The question is… what can you give me in return?"

"Well, I don't have much," Anna replied. "But I have this brooch?"

"Hmm," the little man considered as he looked the brooch over. "It'll do."

So the little man went to work and Anna fell asleep in a corner of the cell. When she woke up in the morning, the straw was gone and there was gold in its place.

King Jean-Luc was thrilled, of course, but not satisfied. He locked Anna up once more, but this time the cell was full with twice as much straw. Anna looked at the straw in despair.

* * *

"Some people are never happy," Gambit said, giving his adopted father a dark look.

Jean-Luc just shrugged.

* * *

Once again, the little man came to Anna's rescue. In return for turning the straw to gold, Anna gave him her necklace.

* * *

"When I find out who's extorting ma chere…"

"What happens if you turn out to be Rumpulstiltskin, Gumbo?" asked Logan.

"I'll let Roguey spank me."

"My, what a terrible punishment," Rogue said dryly.

"It could be," Gambit said, waggling his eyebrows.

* * *

When Anna woke up in the morning, the little man was gone again as well as the straw, but in its place was all the gold. King Jean-Luc was delighted but still his greed was not yet sedated and he promised Anna that if she spun gold one last night that she could marry his son.

* * *

"I guess this means I'm not Rumpelstiltskin," said Gambit. "I'm almost disappointed: I was kind of looking forward to that spanking…"

"Well, if you're that deadest on it, Swamp Rat, I'm sure I can arrange something," Rogue replied with a smirk.

"What if Henri's the son I plan on marrying Rogue off to?" Jean-Luc asked mischievously.

"You wouldn't dare," Gambit replied. "He's married to Mercy. And he's also dead in the comicverse."

"I said Anna could marry my son. I didn't say _which_ son. And in the 90's X-men cartoon you had a brother named Bobby," Jean-Luc pointed out.

**Great, another universe-hopper.**

"Umm, question," said Kitty. "I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that the king was the one to marry the maiden, not the prince."

**Yeah, but if I did that then Remy couldn't threaten to have himself spanked by Rogue if he turns out to be the one exploiting her.**

* * *

This time, King Jean-Luc filled up two cells with straw. Fortunately for Anna, the little man appeared again. Unfortunately, Anna had nothing left to pay him with.

"Then promise me your first born child," he said.

Thinking that may never be, and indeed wouldn't be if she didn't have the straw spun into gold by morning, Anna agreed.

Come morning, both cells were filled with gold instead of straw, and Anna married King Jean-Luc's son.

* * *

"No names?" asked Gambit.

**I suppose it depends what the odds are of you being Rumpelstiltskin.**

* * *

Now it came to pass that Anna did indeed have a child, whom she loved dearly. One day, not long after the child's birth, however, the little man paid her a visit and reminded her of their bargain. Naturally Anna begged and pleaded and offered all manner of other things in place of her child. Finally the little man threw his hands up in the air in exasperation.

"I shall give you three days grace," he told her. "If you can guess my name during that time, you may keep your child."

* * *

"Yay," Kitty cheered. "Name guessing time!"

"All right," Gambit said. "The part of the story where I find out who I have to beat up for exploiting Roguey."

Rogue laughed.

* * *

That night, Anna started thinking up all the names she could. On the first day, Anna began her list:

"Is it Scott? Charles? Jamie?"

* * *

"It would have been so funny if it was Jamie," Rogue said.

Kitty giggled.

* * *

"Sam? Ray? Todd? Fred? Victor? Lance? Erik? Duncan?"

But to all the names she suggested, the answer was the same: No.

So Anna send out messengers to find more names and on the second day, presented the little man with yet another list:

"Is it Piotr? Joseph? Remy?"

But again, the answer was no to every one.

* * *

"Aww," said Gambit. "I miss out on a spanking. On the bright side, this does mean I've married Roguey and we've had a child."

"As long as the child's name isn't Jean," Rogue said.

"I think his name -"

"He?"

"- should be Olivier," Gambit said. "And now we need to find the baby stealer."

"Is it really stealing if I agreed?" Rogue asked. "Aren't I technically the bad guy in this story? I mean, I'm the one who's trying to back out of a bargain made in good faith."

"If you're the bad guy," Gambit said, waggling his eyebrows, "then I get to give you the spanking!"

"On second thoughts, Rumpelstiltskin was the one who brought human trafficking into this."

* * *

Now it happened that one of Anna's messengers, Wanda, stumbled upon a cottage in a remote part of the kingdom, and there she saw a little man dancing around a fire and singing:

"To-day do I bake, to-morrow I brew,

The day after wins the game,

And oh! I am glad that nobody knew

That Mortimer is my name!"

* * *

"Who's Mortimer?" asked Rogue.

"Wait... I know who that is..." Gambit said. "I'm sure I... nope, it's gone."

* * *

Thus on the third day, now armed with what Anna was certain was the little man's name, she began to 'guess'.

"Is it Dominikos?" she asked.

"No."

* * *

"Who's Dominikos?" asked Kitty.

"Umm, actually that's me," said Lance. "In the comicverse my name is really Dominikos Ioannis Petrakis, or Dominic for those who feel the need to Americanise it."

* * *

"Is it Le Diable Blanc?"

"No," the little man replied.

* * *

"I can see how I would have made a good Rumpelstiltskin," Gambit said.

"Well, I'm glad you're not," said Rogue.

* * *

"Is it... Mortimer?" Anna asked.

Angrily, Mortimer stamped his foot on the ground so hard that his foot sank in.

"A witch told you!" he yelled. "A witch told you!"

He pulled out his foot and ran away, never to be seen again.

* * *

Everyone looked at Toad, who had been attempting to sneak off unnoticed.

"Umm, yes, well," Toad said. "My name might really be Mortimer Toynbee in the comicverse... I'm going to run away now."

"I just like the part about 'a witch told you'," said Wanda as Gambit began to chase after Toad with charged playing cards.

"Yes," said Rogue as Toad yelped and half ran, half bounced away, dodging exploding playing cards. "I thought that was a rather nice touch myself."


End file.
